its just so heartwrenchingly wrong i can't even find the right words to express how angry i am.
its not even something that happening to me directly.
its targeting me indirectly through someone i love with all my heart.
its like, i've been trying so hard to get "God" to smile down on me, and i can't even do that.
its pain and loss before i've even lost that person, because i've lost something more that him,
i've lost the chance to even be with that person to comfort them.
it makes me feel wrong for not being there physically for him, to tell him it doesn't matter to me if he can't. that i still love him, and we'll find a loophole. like i've maybe failed in someway in trying to keep him happy for my own selfish reasons. i'm probably just going to have to sit and think about it more, make myself feel worse. i just feel like crying. i can't help him. i feel "God" has wronged him in some way...i don't understand how some peoples perception of Him is so high and mighty, and yet there are people he's chosen to inflict pain on from the moment they're born, restricting them from dreaming and living...
~~
i'm going to work at my old job again...
as a waitress.
and i'm going to save up enough money to either
A- visit my friend, or
B- have him come here.
because no longer can i stand by and wait for him...
i want him for myself, no matter how selfish
or childish
or stupid that sounds.
he's been there for me since i was just some
naive little girl, and now that i've grown...
to a somewhat less naive young woman...
i know that i want to know what it feels like to have him by my side.
if only for a few days.